Constant
by RyukyuHime
Summary: The stars mean different things to different people. And people hardly ever stay the same people they were. Short, progressive slices of Shepard's life through its most defining events.
1. 7

7

* * *

Wonder

* * *

Sometimes she would just look up to the night's stars, at the vast expanse of the unimaginable galaxies that sprinkled the dark abyss above.

She would just look up and imagine the different worlds up there, one full of exotic lands, unintelligible languages, and funny looking aliens. She would imagine another little girl, just like herself, looking up at the stars and beyond to imagine the same things that the human girl had.

And she would imagine meeting that other little girl and her exotic world. Perhaps she would be asari; she had heard so much about the blue aliens and was utterly fascinated at the concept. Either way, she knew that they would be best friends. They would adventure the vast galaxy with each other, perhaps on a big spaceship (hers of course), and explore the foreign landscape while making even more friends, and afterwards they could have tea and cookies.

_Did aliens even like tea and cookies?_ she would wonder. _Did they even have tea and almond cookies?_

The little girl gasped at the possibility otherwise.

It was kind of funny.

In their eyes, the human girl would be the funny looking alien that spoke the unintelligible language. But that thought made her laugh because her life felt so utterly _normal_, what with her mother and father and big brother and big dog Sparky on Mindoir.

In her imagination, after all of the adventuring, she would bid her friends farewell for the day and always be back home by six for dinner because Mommy made the best pasta. And in her imagination Mommy would be so proud of her worldly daughter and make pasta every night. Her older brother would be nicer to her and beg to be taken on an adventure with her, to which she'd remind him of when he refused to take her to see the new Earth vids with him and his friends. Sparky would just be Sparky, her ferocious protecting war-hound puppy. War-puppy! She giggled at the word.

After dinner, she would brush her teeth and be tucked in by Daddy who would kiss her forehead and tell her that he loved her. This was the perfect vision of the Shepard family in the little girl's mind.

Sometimes the little girl would look up to the stars and imagine these things, the stars that were the vast future that lay before her to come. But all of these things got tucked far away in her mind as she was hugged and cuddled and loved by her parents before bedtime, before she realized deep inside that she was already right where she wanted to be.


	2. 17

17

* * *

Resolve

* * *

She would often look up to the night's stars, at the vast expanse of unimaginable galaxies, infinite and incalculable to man's finite mind.

And that night before her eighteenth birthday, she finally made her decision.

She was done.

She was done with being helpless.

She was done with being frustrated.

She was done with being a victim.

What better way to avenge her murdered family and friends than by joining the Alliance to protect the rest of humanity?

Although she had only officially cemented her resolve then, Shepard had already known for a while that this was what she truly wanted.

She knew ever since she saw the Alliance uniformed soldier dig through rubble and open the door to the dugout that her parents had crammed her into that fateful morning the Batarians came.

Her older brother had, by some cruel joke of fate, left earlier than usual for early morning baseball practice for the school team. And Shepard had, by some questionable joke of fate, slept in later than usual and was running late for school.

It all happened so suddenly. She didn't even know what was happening until her father came rushing home from work, urgently whispering to her mother, and mother frantically attempting to contact her older brother at school to no avail.

In the end it was all pointless. In a flurry of kisses and tearful reassuring murmurs of lined desperation and love, they crammed their daughter and her aged dog, Sparky, into the dugout in their yard. Though they said the dog was for her safety, Shepard knew it was to calm her, to be with her when they couldn't. They said that they would be back soon with her brother, that they were just making a quick trip to the school. They said that they loved her more than anything and kissed forehead.

After her parents closed the hatch of the dugout, Shepard could faintly hear the slight thumping of dirt being tossed over the hatch. Whereas it had all been a panicked blur of confusion before, this time Shepard knew one thing: there was no coming back. She would never see them again.

If it hadn't been for Sparky, Shepard would've died in there. At the very least, she would've gone insane. In the cool darkness of the earth, she didn't know how much time had passed. The sounds of gunfire and screams above soon turned silent; whether it was true or simply her mind zoning it out, Shepard didn't know. Or care. She was terrified, helpless, trapped in more ways than she cared to be. But when she felt alone, there was the warm panting of her dog, the rhythmic beating of his calm heart against her ears. And when he smelled the scent of humans approaching, long after the last of the cries and bullets, he barked with all of his might and guided towards her the safety of the soldiers.

Shepard owed more than the world to Sparky, her mighty protector war-hound. But she could do nothing for him. She was just as helpless as she was in the dugout as she was out.

Clenching her fists, Shepard struggled to focus on one of the endless stars above. She couldn't.

After Mindoir, she had been shuffled relative to relative, none wanting to deal with a traumatized teenager, much less a mangy mutt. After being pulled out of the dugout, she had clung onto her dog everywhere she went, staring at his fur instead of at the remains of chaos around them until they made it to the rescue shuttle. There she found out exactly what had happened- the Batarians, the slave trade, the mass murder that had occurred- and knew that only she remained of her family. They remained on the shuttle for a few days, isolated to themselves. He was all she needed, her last reminder of her old, _ordinary_ life.

When a distant relative came to pick the "poor girl" up, their kind act of charity, they refused to take Sparky in as well. And just like that, that was the last Shepard ever saw of him. The most unceremonious farewell to the last member of her family that she had had left. At least she had had the certainty of closure with the others; after she got off of the shuttle at her relatives', she never got to say goodbye and never found out what had happened to him. She had been naive to think that the real world would be kind, people accepting and hospitable, aliens eager with the palms open for yours.

Shepard learned fast. Shepard was smarter now.

And that was why when she looked up to the stars, she knew what she had to do.

She was going to go out there. She was going to do things.

There were so many others out there amongst the stars that were just like who she used to be. What she wouldn't give to be like them again. She knew that that would now be impossible, but she knew that what was possible was for her to be done with being helpless.

She knew that by joining the Alliance, she could be part of the power to ensure that those other unbroken ones would remain so, that they would never have to face what she faced.

But most of all, deep in her heart she knew her family would be proud, all four of them. And perhaps they were up there amongst the vastness of the stars above, looking down and out for her just as she looked up for them.


	3. 22

22

* * *

Mull

* * *

At the end of the day, Shepard always found herself staring into the boundless galaxy from the roof of her apartment. It was the only thing that managed to provide her with peace and calm, reminding her of who she was under all of the uniforms and parades. It was almost ritualistic.

All of the ceremonies, all of the awards, even the Star of Terra. It was just so bizarre to her, the unfamiliarity of all attention focused on her.

The reporters all fawned over her, catching her at every corner asking questions about the courage she must've had, the true skill and selfless heroism that she exemplified. A true Alliance hero, they said.

She had just been doing her job. Any soldier that strove to protect people would have done the same at the Skyllian Blitz.

Yeah, it felt fucking good at Elysium when she annihilated the batarian pirate raiders. And that it should have; she had no qualms with that. But no matter how much she tried to suppress the tiny amount of sadistic vengeance that lurked within her, it failed. No matter how much she tried to remain professional, neutral in the circumstance, it failed. When she saw those terrified colonists at the hands of Batarian pirates, it brought back so many memories of _that_ day on Mindoir.

Was it her really her love and dedication to protect the helpless that drove her to fight, even at the expense of encouraging the colonists to fight? Or was it the anger she still felt towards the Batarians, the craving for vengeance that she thought she had already buried before she even joined the Alliance?

Had she really not gotten over it yet? Helpless and victim again to the Batarians through her emotions?Get it together, Shep!

God, the great hero Shepard letting her emotions control her like some immature teenager. Except this time there had been real lives at stake. Risen in rank but not in heart. She scoffed. She had thought that that part of her died with the rest of her family on Mindoir.

_True Alliance hero my ass._

For all of the skill and heroism and ingenuity that they said she showed, they never mentioned that maybe she had some luck on her side with all of those lives in her hands. Because Shepard was lucky that it all worked out that time. Maybe it was the just universe saying sorry and making it up for what happened on Mindoir. Because no one wanted to truly believe that sometimes fate could be rolled by luck, but it was somehow easier to believe that fate could be rolled by an ordinary soldier who still needed to figure out what the hell she was doing and why the hell she was doing it again.

And sometimes she just needed to look up to the stars and their ever-reaching wisdom to remind herself that.


	4. 29

29

* * *

_Happy_

* * *

The stars of the galaxy seemed to twinkling brighter than usual that day, at least according to Commander Shepard, the CO of the SSV Normandy SR-1, the savior of the Citadel. The Citadel was saved of immediate danger of the Reapers for the time being as Saren had just been taken care of only days earlier. Damn, that felt so good to say.

The stars were good.

Her ship was good.

Her crew was good.

Her Liara was good.

_Life was good._

They were enjoying a few days of shore leave on Earth as the Normandy was being inspected and checked. Honestly after the whole Saren ordeal, they could've all used a little time to check on themselves. Shepard even got a new house on the beach from the whole deal, one more luxurious and spacious than one person (who spent most of their time in space anyways) could ever take up. But then again there was Liara, and trust them, they made sure to make use of _all_ of the space that they had.

Shepard breathed in the scent of Liara, as they both looked up to the night sky, reveling in the soothing sounds of their breathing and waves kissing sand. She smelled the salt of the sea, probably because they were both cuddling on the deck of the beach house, overlooking the unending deep waters of the ocean. Her aquamarine skin glowed in the ethereal light of the moon; she was a goddess, one that ignited such a surge of affection in Shepard.

God, Commander Shepard felt like a giddy little girl again, something she hadn't felt like in a long, _long_ time. Yeah, inside she remembered what it took to get here, and on a personal level, whose life was taken to see this day. She would be lying if she said that deep inside, there wasn't a single part that still hung heavy. And yeah, she knew the Reapers were still out there, lurking somewhere in deep space as she gazed out into the endless cloak of the dark abyss. But she couldn't help but feel like a suffocating weight had been lifted off of her, like she could actually breathe again.

The wonders of shore leave.

And she couldn't wait to venture out into the foreign worlds that she had once dreamed of whilst looking up to the very same stars, protecting the galaxy, her crew and her lover by her side.

The Reapers could manage to wait for a bit; the stars had waited long enough.


	5. 31

31

* * *

Lost

* * *

She couldn't look at them anymore. The stars. The sheer amount of space to get lost in. To _die_ in.

Every night before she slept, she made sure to close the hood above her bed, looking into the infinite stars passing by. Cerberus must've been playing a cruel joke when they planned the layout of the captain's quarters in the SR-2, including a hood to the stars knowing that she had gotten spaced to what seemed like to her only a few weeks prior.

_Cold, so cold. Can't breathe, suffocating. Panic welling as pressure increased, burning cold, trying to futilely seal the leak._

_Where's the goddamned leak? Fingers scrambling, fighting a lost cause. Fuck. __**Fuck**__. A burning yet numbing sensation as black spots gnawed through her vision. And all she could see were the stars all around her, slowly disappearing into a nothingness of black. Alone._

The first night in the cabin was the worst. Shepard had woken up in the middle of the night from the Nightmare, reliving her death once again as she had done every night. Only this time the first thing her eyes saw were even more endless stars above her, a continuation of her Nightmare, and this time it set off an attack that robbed her of all control of herself.

It was fucking terrifying.

It was almost as if she were watching herself in third person as she screamed and thrashed, tears running with her body numb. Guttural, animalistic screams of terror emitted from her unfamiliar mouth.

She couldn't breathe again, she couldn't feel again, panic consuming her entire being.

She felt like she was dying.

If it hadn't been for EDI's voice slowly soothing her on the intercom, Shepard was sure that she would have. Slowly the thrashing and screaming subsided until all that was left was a crumpled mess on the bed, alone, a puddle of tears and exhaustion and emptiness. The stars were still there, constant and unchanging, but she* had changed so much. Her world had changed so much. Her friends, her reputation, her Liara, everything she had worked so hard to secure, just _gone_. And now a suicide mission? Were the immortal stars just mocking her now?

Shepard didn't have to ask. EDI already took it upon herself to shut the hood above, putting two and two together.

Never again did Shepard open the hood above her bed. She tried, even tried to imagine how much Liara would've loved the view from the bed, a half-hearted attempt to both quell her irrational fear and feel closer to what she had left of Liara. But in the end, or what might as well be, it was just easier to keep it closed.

She knew the stars were still there. Hell, she was the commander of a starship; she ventured into space all the time. And she also knew that she was still alive.

Maybe one day she would be able to look up to them and feel alive again.


	6. 32

32

* * *

Constant

* * *

She never really had time to look up to the stars anymore considering how busy she had been lately. There'd always been more and more work to do, more species to ally with, more conflicts to resolve. It was as if everyone literally came to her, Commander Shepard, the galaxy's Ms. Fix-it, with _every single one_ of their problems, because they were too goddamn lazy or stubborn to fix it themselves.

Shepard sighed. Now was _really_ not the time to be stressing over the bygones. She had done all she could to unite the galaxy's forces against the Reapers. All she could do now was wait for tomorrow in the comforting arms of her lover. Wait for whatever was to come, whatever fate would befall upon them.

The gnawing ache within her only grew as she tried to kill it by nuzzling deeper into Liara's embrace.

This time tomorrow, would she still be alive? Would Liara? Would anybody in this whole galaxy live to see the next day?

Breathing in deeply, Shepard gazed at the sight of Liara's sleeping face to calm her fraying nerves. So peaceful, she looked just as innocent as she had been back on Therum when Shepard had first rescued her, ages before she had become the Shadow Broker. It was ridiculous to think so considering she was an asari, but she looked so much younger while she slept, her lips slightly puckered and cheeks splashed with azure freckles like the stars of the galaxy.

The stars. Shepard's eyes flitted above to the skylight, feeling completely lost in the sight of the stars, much to her unease. Slowly but surely with Liara's presence after the suicide mission, she began

"_It would be easy for a single ship to get lost up there, wouldn't it?"_

She involuntarily found herself reaching for Liara's hand, for solidarity and reassurance that she was still there, still alive.

Shepard knew those stars like the back of her hand, the stars that had always been there, unchanging and constant. And tomorrow, whatever would happen or cease to happen, they would still be there, just as constant as they were twenty-five years ago and many years prior to.

And how that scared her.

Shepard heard a distant voice of a long buried memory of the late Ashley Williams in response.

"_Because I work in space I can't believe in a higher power? Geez. Hello have you people looked out the window? How could you look at this galaxy and not believe in... Something?"_

And she was right in a sense; the galaxy was indeed incomprehensively beautiful. But Shepard had never been the religious sort. She had always figured that life was what you willed it to be taken what you've got- not some scripted puppet of a sadistic and bored grandfather figure in the sky. If there truly was a God, then Shepard's life wouldn't be half as tiringly busy ridding evil as it was. There should be no need for Shepard, and all the species would live together in harmony and sing Kumbaya. Families would stay together and eat dinner together every night and nobody would ever be left alone. After all, why would a God create a universe so harsh and so cruel and so utterly unforgiving? Preposterous. Everything that happened and was to happen was solely based on the level of sacrifice that you fed it. Not luck. Nothing comes from nothing. Such basic laws of nature.

Shepard had given all she could within those bounds. But she figured considering what they were up against, a little luck wouldn't be so bad. If there truly was a God out there, the one that supposedly created the whole galaxy and the whole fucking universe for that matter- she hoped that that one would care enough to perhaps halt the extinction of all organic life. Just maybe? Just maybe listen to the plea of a woman who wanted nothing more than a simple future with her lover, a future full of love and laughter and blue children and dinner.

"_To find someplace very far away, where you could spend the rest of your life... In peace."_

A future that she didn't even know if she deserved to dream of, as it was a future that so many wouldn't live to see.

Just maybe listen to the plea of a single humble human who was working her ass off alone to accomplish what trillions of souls prayed to their gods and goddesses for.

But no. Not alone. Shut up stupid, cynical Shepard. She had to think back to when she first signed up for this, why she first signed up for this. Remember what it felt like to be that little girl again.

She had Liara. She had her crew. They were just as much a part of this as Shepard was. To think that she got anywhere, accomplished anything alone was stupid. She had her big ship and her "alien" best friends- her family. She had her foreign tongues and her exotic new lands. She even had her tea and cookies of sorts, even tried other... questionable versions of it.

Shepard chuckled at the memories that conjured, the experiences she never thought that she would have back when she first left Mindoir.

She had her adventure. And it was a damn better adventure than seven year old Jane could've ever imagined it to be.

Shepard closed her eyes and felt a strange sense of calm, a feeling she had rarely experienced since she was a child in her parents' arms except when with Liara.

Her "alien" best friend. Her home. And so much more than she could have ever known.

Shepard shifted up, giving up on sleeping but careful not to awaken the sleeping Liara. Much to her dismay, she failed.

Grunting slightly, Liara rubbed her eyes and slowly propped herself up on an elbow, covering Shepard's back. "Uh... Ah, Shepard. Can't sleep?"

No. Too hard when you're filled with the knowledge that tonight might be the last to gaze at your sleeping face. Too hard when you know that you only have a few hours of infinity together.

Shepard settled for a few words to deftly avoid the question. "We're almost there."

"Already?"

Already. These past months had felt like seconds, these past years like mere days.

Even though she had done all she could to prepare in months past, she couldn't help but worry about the rest of the galaxy. "I hope everyone is ready."

Shepard felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder, tingling deep with warm energy thrumming through her core. "You don't need to worry about that. You rallied who you could. The reapers won't get any more chances to divide us. This time, the galaxy follows our lead."

_This time, the stars would look up to her. _

There was once a little girl who used to just look up to the stars, at the constant expanse of the unimaginable galaxies that sprinkled the dark abyss above. Now she knew that she was a part of them.

* * *

_Finally! This is the longest I've ever managed to keep a story going. I was considering choosing one of the four choices at the end of the game to write an epilogue, but since I usually try to write Shepard as vaguely as possible to make her more relatable, this is probably the last chapter. It has definitely been a good ride writing this. _


End file.
